Think of someone you respect, perhaps a colleague who had a hard week or a friend who made a mistake and is being hard on themselves. You probably know what you would say. You would acknowledge it, reassure them, and help them see the next step. Now think about the last time you made a mistake yourself. What did you say, and in what tone?
For many people the two voices are very different. This week, with Remembrance Sunday on 8 November and World Kindness Day on Friday 13 November, offers a natural prompt to turn a little of the respect we offer others towards ourselves. What follows is a practical routine in four parts. It draws on the NHS advice on self-esteem and on research into self-compassion.
What self-compassion is
Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as relating to yourself with care and support when you are struggling. In her model it has three parts that work together. The first is self-kindness, meeting your own difficulty with understanding in place of harsh judgement. The second is common humanity, remembering that struggle and imperfection are part of being human, not signs that something is uniquely wrong with you. The third is mindfulness, noticing painful feelings clearly, without suppressing them or being swept away by them.
What it is not
It is easy to assume that being kind to yourself means letting yourself off the hook. The research does not support that. In their summary of the evidence, Neff and Knox note that self-compassion is sometimes confused with self-pity or self-indulgence, and say it is closer to the opposite. They also report that self-compassion has no association with the level of standards people set for themselves. Self-compassionate people tend to aim just as high, and to accept that they will not always reach their goals.
The same summary describes a consistent link between self-compassion and lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress. That is an association found across many studies, so it does not prove that self-compassion alone causes the difference. It does suggest that how we speak to ourselves is worth paying attention to.
Part one: listen in
Before you change the voice, notice it. For a few days, when something goes wrong, write down the sentence you say to yourself, word for word. Many people are surprised by how blunt and automatic it is. The point is not to judge the voice, only to hear it clearly. You cannot choose a different response to something you have not noticed.
Part two: the respected-person test
The NHS suggests a simple step for the times you feel like being self-critical: think about what you would say to a friend in a similar situation. It observes that we often give far better advice to other people than we give ourselves. Take the sentence you wrote down and imagine saying it to someone you respect. Would you? If not, write down what you would say instead, and read that to yourself.
Part three: a three-part pause
When you notice a hard moment, take a breath and run through the three parts in plain words. First, name it: this is a painful moment. Second, connect it: other people struggle with this too, and I am not the only one. Third, offer yourself something kind, such as a line you would say to a respected friend: this is hard, and I am doing what I can. It takes less than a minute, and it can be done silently in a meeting or on the way home.
Part four: keep the standard, change the tone
If you worry that kindness will make you complacent, try this. Keep the standard you hold yourself to and change only the way you talk to yourself about it. Ask what you would like to do differently next time, and ask it in the voice you would use for a colleague you want to see succeed. You are still taking the mistake seriously. You are simply dropping the contempt.
Putting it together
Pick one part and try it for a week, rather than all four at once. Listening in is a good place to start, because it needs nothing except attention. Some days will go better than others, and noticing the harsh voice again after you have decided to be kinder is not a failure. It is the practice. Self-compassion is best thought of as a skill that grows with use, not a trait you either have or do not.
When to look further
If the way you speak to yourself is weighing on your mood, your confidence or your days, please speak to your GP. The NHS also says that if you are 18 or over you can refer yourself to NHS talking therapies without going through a GP.
If you would like to work on this with us, we offer a complimentary 15-minute chat, with no obligation, to talk through where to start and whether we are the right people to help. Our clinicians work online across the UK and in person in Horsham, using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. You can read more on our self-compassion page.
Eunoia is not a crisis service. If things feel much worse than this, or you are having thoughts of ending your life, please do not wait: call 999, NHS 111, or Samaritans on 116 123, any time, day or night.
